Quinting, and Other Assorted News

Due to an unfortunately permanent power outage in the Courts and solely Caitlin Ward’s room in DuLac, the College was forced to relocate the residents of the affected areas. So, we volunteered ourselves for one of the new quints being put together in Donahue Hall. Our first night together, we decided to have something of a celebration. We went with a Snow Hoes and Boarder Bros theme, inviting everyone except for the freshman (because the majority of them are insane). The night of the party, we busily prepared, hanging winter-themed decorations and purchasing 76 bottles of Smirnoff and 1 bottle of Captain Morgan’s, as well as lots of Tampico.

Caitlin, joking around as she usually does, entered one of the many closets in order to hide and surprise Julia and Caitlyn when they returned with the alcohol. Because Megan and Lindsay were busy preparing to make jello shots, they did not notice her disappear into the closet.

Caitlyn and Julia soon returned, but Caitlyn was not there to jump out at them. Unfortunately, upon entering the closet, Caitlin found herself transported to a world that she soon realized was Narnia (based upon her extensive knowledge of both the series of books by C.S. Lewis, and having watched the films many times). Unsure of what else to do, she set off into the snowy universe in order to find her way home.

Meanwhile, the party had begun in Donahue 1134, and was turning out to be a raging success. In the corner, several people partook in the art of ski shots, while several others had a drunken karaoke battle to the song “Baby Got Back” by Sir Mix-a-lot.

“Where is Caitlin?” Lindsay asked Julia, during a lull in their Icing extravaganza.

“Oh, I think I saw her over by the Tampico, dancing with that guy in the banana costume,” Julia answered, before getting down on one knee to drink her Ice.

Back in Narnia, Caitlin had encountered Mr Tumnus, who was busily explaining to her the treacherous ways of the land and the problems that she might encounter on her way back to Donahue 1134. Just as she was turning away from him, a group of men on horseback approached them, and she was soon on her way to adventure.

Having dropped acid, Caitlyn had been wandering around the room pulling insects off of peoples’ faces - or so she thought - for the past few hours. However, by now, many of the drunken party guests had either left or passed out on the floor, and so she spent the time speaking aloud to herself. Approaching the closet that the other Caitlin had entered, she pulled open the doors and was greeted by a gust of snow-filled air, and a glimpse into what appeared to be a land outdoors.

She quickly closed the closet, and vowed to stop doing hardcore drugs, since they apparently really mess with the mind. Shrugging off the experience, she returned to her conversation with Donkey from Shrek, before falling asleep at Megan’s feet in a pile of vomit.

Riding along briskly through the snowy wonderland, a figure in brightly shining armor skillfully traversed a dangerous rocky mountain pathway. Her sword gleamed despite the blood caked on it, and she held it towards the sky in triumph as she spurred her horse onward towards her army’s camp. Decorated with many medals of victory, Caitlin had achieved the rank of General after her last resounding conquest. As she entered the camp, she was met by King Edmund, and as she knelt before him, he congratulated her for her success, and bid her return home, for her heroics had saved many people, and Narnia was now safe again. Soon, she burst out of the closet with a renewed zeal for life, and was met with a scene of destruction and agony.

Stepping around the several bodies on the floor, she made her way over to her bed, and after removing what appeared to be a homeless man, slipped into a deep and restful sleep.

Just another day at Stonehill!