Goin' Down South

With the weather just beginning to turn to Spring - at least, occasionally, in between bouts of freezing cold - we all decided to pile into Big Red and head down South to visit Lindsay's friend Emi in Florida (and fight some gators while we're there). Missing Kelly, we decided to bring her along with us via Skype. Having all packed and buckled our seat belts - excepted for Kelly, who was nestled safely on Lindsay's lap - we pulled out of the Stonehill exit and made our way onto I-95 South, stopping briefly at Dunkies for some Big & Toasties and coffee. Traffic wasn't bad during our time on the highway, and we made our way pleasantly with Megan singing loudly along to the rap songs on the radio and everyone else occasionally joining in with the chorus. Upon seeing the sign for the Washington D.C. exit, we decided to take a brief detour, as we were all hungry for lunch. The streets, however, were confusing, and despite Julia's cellular GPS, we ended up hopelessly lost. Stumbling upon a large white house, we decided to stop and ask for directions. Approaching the door, Julia - being the best with people - rang the doorbell, and we all stood silently, waiting for a response. After several minutes, we determined that no one was home, and we happened to spot an Arby's across the street. So, we all went over to get roast beef and cheddar sandwiches - not noticing the bullet that narrowly missed Caitlin - before finding our way back to the highway.

A few hours later, we passed a 'Welcome to Georgia!' sign, and our spirits rose since we realized we were more than halfway through with our journey. Suddenly, Julia - who had been in charge of directions for the entire trip - was distracted by a text from her friend Patricia. Without guidance, Caitlyn quickly veered from the correct path, and we found ourselves on a dirt road stretching off into the wilderness. With all the screaming and confusion, no one noticed how we had come to this road, and so we had no idea how to get back. Driving slowly down the road, Caitlin noticed that the internet had cut out, and our connection to Kelly was lost.

Almost immediately afterward, the DJ spoke from the radio station that Big Red had been stuck on since Caitlyn broke the dial. For the most part, this station played what seemed like just the right music in every situation. They figured it was like a Mike FM or something, but they had never heard it before. At this moment, the DJ, who seemed to remain constantly on the air, started to speak while the song - the theme from Deliverance, as it turned out - continued to play in the background.
"You're driving in the wrong direction, but you don't even know it. Never get lost again, with TomTom GPS. A word from our sponsors."



"Jeez, that would have been convenient to hear four hours ago when we left Stonehill," Megan remarked.
After driving for a few more minutes in eerie silence, the radio having cut out immediately after the advertisement, we came across a clearing that contained a small shack with chipped paint and an aluminum door. On the front porch, a rocking chair creaked back and forth in the slight breeze. Barely visible beyond the shack was a rusted mobile home, the front door was draped with chili pepper shaped Christmas lights. As we all stepped out of Big Red, a tumbleweed rolled by the front steps, only to get caught in the front of a 50's pickup truck sitting on cement blocks nearby.

"Awesome," Lindsay exclaimed happily. "Now we can ask for directions back to the highway!"
Everyone shrugged in agreement, and we made our way up to the front door. Just before anyone could knock, the door swung open with a loud clang, revealing a short man with wiry red hair. With a crazed look in his eye, he inquired what we reckon we're doing in these parts. We were all too stunned to speak for a moment, as he was dressed in blue denim overalls, each leg cuffed just below the knee. He wore no shirt or shoes, and upon his shocking hair sat an obviously disintegrating straw hat. He seemed to spit the words through the missing spaces where many of his teeth should have been, and the droplets caught in his equally bushy beard.
Caitlyn spoke first, explaining that we had just gotten lost, and were trying to find our way back to the highway. At this point, he smiled, revealing his many missing teeth, and introduced himself as Joe Dave. He informed us that he knew exactly how to get back to the highway, but that he couldn't bear to see us go so soon. He said that his family was just starting to anticipate their dinner, and invited us inside to join them. As we all followed him in, Julia whispered to Megan, "They weren't kidding when they talked about that Southern hospitality!"
He led us into a small living area, with several crates for seating and a large Confederate flag hung on the wall. Already seated on one of the crates in front of a small black-and-white television was a barefoot pregnant woman with two small children seated on her lap. Her smile revealed even fewer teeth than Joe Dave's. We all sat down on our own crate and joined them in watching the NASCAR race on the small TV, while Joe Dave brought us all mugs of moonshine. After a few hours, we felt pretty comfortable with these new friends, as we considered them, since everyone in Joe Dave's family seemed to take a liking to us - especially to Caitlyn and Julia. Eventually, we realized that despite the pot of water boiling in the kitchen, no one was actually preparing any food. We then noticed the odd instruments hanging on the far wall - that we had originally thought were for gardening - and Joe Dave's toothless smile turned sinister. It dawned on us that the dinner we had been promised relied far more on us than we had anticipated.

We quickly gathered our things and fled the house, despite Joe Dave's family's protestations. We somehow managed to find the highway on our own, at which point the internet returned, and we decided that it was probably too late to head to Florida after all. When Kelly finally returned, she asked what had happened in the intervening time, but we told her that it was nothing special. And so we headed back to Stonehill, making it to the caf just in time for a dinner of collard greens, grits, and candied sweet potatoes in celebration of Black History Month.

Just another day at Stonehill!