Julia, the Heroine

Recently, Caitlyn’s boyfriend Patrick decided to make the three hour journey from Walpole to Stonehill via train. Since no commuter rail (or otherwise) comes directly to Stonehill, it became necessary for Caitlyn, Julia, and Caitlin to pick him up from the Campello station in Brockton. During this somewhat arduous journey, the three happened to pass by a home completely engulfed in flames next to Burger King. After stopping for a moment to admire and giggle at a seagull perched on top of an occupied minivan, the three decided to help nearby firefighters to extinguish the flames.

While Caitlyn and Caitlin worked with a fire hydrant and hose, Julia happened to hear the faint scream of a child from inside the building. Not thinking twice, she darted into the collapsing wooden home with her head down and her determination high. Through the thick smoke and heavy flames covering the windows, the two Caitlyins watched as Julia kicked down a metal door, lifted a bed that was thrown in front of a closet by an explosion, and then ripped the closet door off of the hinges before casually pulling a small child from his hiding place inside. Stuffing the child under her thick winter jacket, she shielded his sensitive eyes and nose from the billowing smoke and flames. She then was forced to dive from a second story window upon realizing that the staircase had collapsed, but she then proceeded to land safely on a snow bank below. She placed the child into the mother’s arms before returning to the Caitlyins as though nothing had happened. However, she did catch someone’s eye with her heroic feat.

A man, a firefighter of course, approached Julia with something of a shy compliment. “That was very brave of you,” he whispered through his straight white teeth and then smiled broadly as Julia thanked him for the compliment, but assured him that it was nothing. The two talked briefly before making plans to go to dinner that night at Bertucci’s. “I can even use my Hillcard!” Julia exclaimed, “and you know I would sell my first born child for the recipe for those rolls!” The firefighter did not actually know that at the time, but not long into their first official date, the two felt as though they had known each other a lifetime. Looking into his eyes over their shared plate of chicken parm, Julia felt as though she saw something familiar and knew that this must be love.
After a few weeks of wonderful romance, Roger (as we learned his name to be) took Julia on a Caribbean vacation. Amidst the white sand and the clear blue water, snorkeling and sipping cocktails when they were not making passionate love in every possible way, Roger and Julia professed their love for each other.

Upon returning to Massachusetts, Roger felt that it was time for Julia to meet his family. Roger’s mother took to Julia immediately, claiming that she reminded her of her own daughter. The family laughed together over dinner and then sipped tea in the living room afterwards, glancing through old photo albums featuring baby Roger in his underwear. Julia blushed. From one of the old volumes fell a family tree. Julia picked it up first, before the others noticed and upon looking it over stuffed it in her pocket and asked Roger’s mother for another cup of tea.

Julia grew very pale as the night went on. Roger asked if she was sick, which she denied, and when he attempted to follow her inside that night, she politely declined. Julia slowly cut off all contact with Roger, despite his pleas for her to take him back. The last time she saw him he threw the engagement ring that he had bought for her at her head. She ducked and never thought of him again.

Just another day at Stonehill!

Digging Out, the Mysterious Path, and a New Friend

In the wake of another large snowstorm, it became necessary for those of us with vehicles to somehow remove them from Lot 17. This mass movement was prompted by an extremely urgent email from Campo - using nine exclamation points, total - expressing how much they needed us to put our cars in any other possible lot. So, this fateful night, we journey to 17 amidst hordes of other students, and - not surprisingly - struggled to find our cars. Finally, we gave up on Megan and Julia’s cars, and searched exclusively for Big Red. As it began to grow dark, we found ourselves utterly and completely lost. Our toes growing cold, we finally came across what looked like the entrance to a carefully hidden path. It appeared to be guarded by some sort of shrunken head.

Intrigued, we obviously decided to follow the path. We walked for hours, and around midnight we came upon what looked like some sort of homeless man’s temporary winter shelter. Faintly, we could hear the sounds of The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars. Specifically, the song Lady Stardust. Thinking we probably find a drunk homeless man inside, we decided to enter the little lair. Unfortunately, we were greeted by a somewhat ornery Yeti, who promptly attacked Lindsay.

She immediately sprang backwards, screaming “what the hell?!” as someone with a British accent began apologizing profusely. We soon realized, this voice belonged to the Yeti. We got to chatting, and he explained that he was quite unaccustomed to visitors, and had simply been startled by our sudden appearance. He quickly got Lindsay an ice pack from his small refrigerator, and invited us to sit down on his leopard-print sofa for a drink.

While Suffragette City played in the background, the Yeti explained to us how he had come to be in Massachusetts, relatively close to Stonehill College. The story is long and involved, quite complicated, and therefore we will not share it with you now. All you really need to know, is that Customs is not as secure as you would think. We soon learned the Yeti was far cooler than we had assumed, and after Labyrinth, a game of Twister, and three bottles of wine, the Yeti walked us back to Lot 17 and after helping us locate Big Red, single-handedly pulled it out of the snow. We exchanged phone numbers and a tearful goodbye. Caitlin was particularly broken up about it.

Then, we all piled into Big Red, and Caitlyn attempted to turn on the radio, but accidentally broke the knob off, landing on a random station that none of us recognized. Ironically, it was playing Under Pressure, that song by David Bowie and that guy from Queen. We chuckled over the coincidence as we pulled into Duffy Lot. Just as Caitlyn was turning off the car, the song ended, and the DJ said, “you’d be surprised how much those big, reclusive guys like David Bowie.”

But no one heard it, and no one cared.

Just another day at Stonehill!

[group picture to come!]

Meet the Authors

Caitlin “Tsume” Ward
Caitlin is an award-winning classical pianist under the name Kathryn Matsuzaka. She is currently attending 17 law schools simultaneously, and has been to Zimbabwe twice. As an avid xango lover, she has also collaborated with popular international superstar M$ on the breakout hit “Bananas, Cream Cheese, and Caramel.”

Julia “Black Widow” Fagone
At one time called “The Black Widow,” Julia has been married four times, and has also been featured on the cover of TIME Magazine. In the article, “Black Widow?,” she discusses her attraction to firefighters - the profession of all four of her husbands - and the unfortunate circumstances that lead to all of their deaths.

Megan “M$” McDonough
Like David Hasselhoff, M$ is very popular in Germany. A rapper and actress, her most popular hit, “Um, Go Ahead,” has been number one on every chart for over 30 years. You may have seen her in her most recent film, “Achtung, Brute,” a modern-day German adaptation of the Shakespeare play, Julius Caesar, in which she portrays Juliet Caesar.

Lindsay “Nathaniel Glenn” Johnson
The 50 Cent of novelists, Lindsay has been shot nine times. Her most popular novel, Untrimmed Valleys, was praised as a beautiful and moving portrayal of modern womanhood. She has also written for TIME Magazine, even interviewing the notorious Black Widow, and the uncatchable assassin Bonecrusher.

Caitlyn “Bonecrusher” McGoff
Caitlyn enjoys wearing sweaters and eating sushi. Originally from the Deep South, she still supports the Confederate revival. In her free time, she also works as a private detective and a trained assassin under the alias Bonecrusher.

The Weather, the Storm, and the Snow Day

As some of you may have heard, Massachusetts - as well as the rest of New England - has been hit hard this winter by several storms. The average snow totals for the Boston area have been met, and exceeded. It’s probably safe to say that this is true of Stonehill as well. Today, we received our first official - and much overdue - snow day, despite the fact that the only thing outside is a disgusting, slushy mess... and light rainfall.

It seems as though the weather might be starting to calm down, as Punxsutawney Phil predicted that spring would soon be upon us. However, the animals on campus seem to disagree...

On the way to lunch, Caitlyn and Lindsay happened to stroll through Duffy parking lot. They came across a group of armoured deer. Obviously Caitlyn (a big fan of deer) was excited by their presence, and upon noticing a nearby feed machine...

...decided that she wanted to give them a nice treat. She approached the deer calmly, sweetly, smiling. Unsuspecting. Feed in hand, she stretched out her arm towards the nearest deer. In response, the deer raised its weapon, and shot off her hand.

And then, it ate the feed, hand and all.

After lunch, we’ll probably be taking her to Good Sam’s to see what they have to say.

Just another day at Stonehill!